A Message on Singleness

I once believed my singleness was a result of my own wrongdoing - a punishment for some poor dating decisions I made in the past. I would often look at couples with sincerity, yet envy. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand how they found each other, yet the same couldn’t be said for me.

My singleness seemed so noticeable - like I was standing out for all the wrong reasons.

For the first time this year, I confessed out loud the shame I had often felt in my singleness.

Singleness and shame.

Two words that should never be used together, yet many of us feel incredibly ashamed of our singleness. Shame, by definition, is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. (Oxford Languages)

But there in-lies the problem.

When did we start pairing singleness with shame and wrongness?

Why are we often ashamed of our singleness?

Confessing my shame out loud made me soon realize just how inherently wrong it was and is for feelings of shame to accompany being single.

Often, when people speak of singleness, we hear about how to get out of singleness, as if it is something to get out of. We are told how to find a spouse and how to make ourselves suitable for one. Positioning, preparing, and suitability are important, but when these ideas dominate our motives, we unconsciously place marriage on a pedestal, idolizing it, while completely undermining the significance and beauty of our singleness.

So, how should we view our singleness?

To our benefit, Paul, an apostle and servant of Christ, had a strong opinion on the subject. But first, it’s important to know who exactly Paul is and why his opinion holds weight.

Paul, also known as Saul, was no stranger to zeal and boldness.

*Saul was a Hebrew name, and Paul was a Roman name. From Acts 13 and beyond, Paul’s name was used instead of Saul.*

He was a Jew born in Tarsus of Cilicia, educated on the Mosaic law of his ancestors. He, along with many other Jews, knew the law and kept it, yet they rejected Jesus who came to fulfill the law. Saul formerly persecuted Christians for their belief in Jesus. He had authority from the chief priests to arrest those who even called on the name of Jesus. He agreed with putting Stephen, the first Christian martyr, to death for his bold proclamation of Jesus. Saul would eventually enter countless houses, dragging men and women to prison. He was relentless in his pursuit, “Now Saul was still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord. He went to the high priest and requested letters from him to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he found any men or women who belonged to the Way, he might bring them as prisoners to Jerusalem” (Acts 9:1-2 CSB).

Until one day, while Saul was traveling to Damascus, a bright light instantly surrounded him. He was in awe, causing him to fall to the ground. While on the ground, he heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” (Acts 9:4)

“Who are you, Lord?” Saul said. “I am Jesus, the one you are persecuting,” he replied.“But get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do" (Acts 9:5-6).

As Saul got up from the ground, he could not see anything, so the men who were traveling with him led him into Damascus. Saul could not see for three days, but God sent Ananias, a disciple in Damascus, to place hands on Saul so that he could regain his sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.

From then on, Saul’s boldness shifted from persecuting Jesus, to proclaiming Jesus.

Paul knew and experienced God in such a profound way. He devoted his life to preaching the gospel, establishing churches, and equipping people to walk in the ways of God. Paul was absolutely clear on his calling, but the call on Paul’s life was far from easy, “Five times I received the forty lashes minus one from the Jews. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I received a stoning. Three times I was shipwrecked. I have spent a night and a day in the open sea. On frequent journeys, I faced dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my own people, dangers from Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers at sea, and dangers among false brothers; toil and hardship, many sleepless nights, hunger and thirst, often without food, cold, and without clothing. Not to mention other things, there is the daily pressure on me: my concern for all the churches” (2 Corinthians 11:24-28).

Paul suffered tremendously for Christ. Danger was often around him, but God surrounded him even more. Through Paul’s suffering, he was refined. Paul, who considered himself the worst of sinners, knew the great lengths that God went to reconcile him to himself so that Paul would become an example to all people of God’s immense patience. The trials that Paul faced were many, but they produced within him a high level of perseverance, maturity, and completeness. He knew God to be a deliverer. Paul had a heart of praise and reverence and was content in any circumstance. His whole being was set on God, the author and perfecter of our faith.

God was everything to Paul, “Circumcised the eighth day; of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew born of Hebrews; regarding the law, a Pharisee; regarding zeal, persecuting the church; regarding the righteousness that is in the law, blameless. But everything that was a gain to me I have considered to be a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them dung, so that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ-the righteousness from God based on faith. My goal is to know him and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings, being conformed to his death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead ” (Philippians 3:5-11 CSB).

Paul’s number one pursuit was to know Christ.

This goal surpassed all other things.

The knowledge of Christ was the greatest gain Paul could ever conceive of.

He viewed the creator of life as greater than life itself.

Paul’s eyes were set on eternity, not earthly things. It’s no wonder why Paul had a strong opinion regarding singleness, “I want you to be without concerns. The unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord - how he may please the Lord. But the married man is concerned about the things of the world - how he may please his wife - and his interests are divided. The unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy both in body and in Spirit. But the married woman is concerned about the things of the world - how she may please her husband. I am saying this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but to promote what is proper and so that you may be devoted to the Lord without distraction” (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).

It's important to note Paul was in no way diminishing marriage. After all, God created marriage and its sacrificial essence. Marriage is undeniably beautiful. It is an opportunity to love like Christ through sacrifice. An incredible book written by author Gary Thomas titled, Sacred Marriage, poses this powerful question:

What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?

Marriage is an opportunity for us to love our spouse like God loves us through sacrifice, patience, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, and much more. Paul saw the beauty of marriage, but he also saw the beauty of singleness. He viewed singleness as an opportunity to be devoted to God without distraction. Nothing in life was greater to him than time with God.

When I truly thought about how Paul valued singleness and how it prepares the way for undivided time with God, I confessed out loud ,“I’ll be honest. That doesn’t sound appealing to me.”

But how could I prefer marriage over undivided devotion to God?

As much as I hate to admit it, this isn’t shocking. We tend to love created things more than the creator. God created marriage, yet I desired it more than him. Our desire for marriage isn’t the problem; it’s our ranking it above God and our motives behind the desire. What’s our motive in desiring marriage? Where does it rank in our lives? Do we seek it more than God?

Paul’s heart posture towards singleness went from being unbelievable in my eyes to desirable in my heart. I truly desire to get to a place where I can honestly say from the depth of my soul that absolutely nothing surpasses knowing God.

Once we capture this truth and truly believe it, we will start to desire things for the right reasons and in the right order. We will view our singleness as a time to bask in God’s presence with total devotion.

We will also relish in our singleness because we’d know nothing surpasses knowing God.

There are thousands of books that have been written about Jesus. These books contain just a fraction of who he is. That is just how vast God is, that no amount of books on the planet past, future, or present, can fully articulate his depth. How can anything be greater than knowing God who has no bounds? How can anything or anyone be greater than him? We are still writing songs about him. Countless theologians are still researching his depths. We study the Bible backwards and forwards, rereading it over and over, yet we never cease to learn all that we can about him.

Nothing is greater than knowing him. He is too good not to desire more than anything else in life. Nothing beats knowing God, the source of life.

Don’t itch to get out of singleness.

We should absolutely pray for marriage in the way God designed it, but we should simultaneously cherish our undivided time with God. The way we handle our singleness is a good indication of how we will handle marriage. In order for marriage to thrive in the way God designed it, he has to be the head of the union. We have to love him more than the marriage itself and more than our spouse. After all, God created marriage, so he sustains it.

This notion of loving God and the knowledge of him more than anything else does not cease once/if our singleness ceases. This is a consistent heart posture.

Our singleness is the perfect time for us to practice and appreciate loving God more than anything he created.